Much obliged.
Now, normally, this is how things are going to work. I will usually give a little bit of back-story on what the story is about or what was going through my mind when I wrote it so you aren’t lost in the first sentence.
This particular writing (like most of my writings) have to do with human emotion and how they react when certain things arise. This selection, for example, is a writing about paranoia and how people get when they become scared.
Enjoy!
Home. Only three blocks away. No problem I thought to myself as I left my little job at the neighborhood coffee shop. It was very dark out that particular evening and the only lights that guided my way home were very dim street lights that flickered every couple minutes.
Step, step, step. Breathe. A cloud formed at my mouth as my eventual exhale was met by the beginning of my next breath. Only a block away from work and the brisk autumn air began to chill my bones. Readjusting my coat and hat, I continued walking, only to stop suddenly when I heard steps in-between my own. I wonder who’s behind me I wondered to myself. I turned around. Nothing.
I began walking once again, just rolling the little situation off of my shoulders. It was nothing. It couldn’t have been anything. Calming down, I began walking a normal pace again…until the steps got louder and louder.
I turn around one more time to just settle my stomach and reassure myself there was nothing there, but alas; nothing except for a deep hiss that sounded like it was right next to my ear whispering.
Now thoroughly freaked out, tears ran down my cheek as I reached the end of my block. Only one more block. If I can make one more block, then I’ll be safe in my house. The hissing got louder and it rolled into a quiet chuckle. The footsteps getting closer and closer together was just further proof that I was being followed.
I was able to see my house. I was almost safe, but the footsteps kept closing in. I sprinted to my front door scrambling for the keys. They dropped on the ground and the footsteps stopped. A clicking was all I could hear. Whatever was following me was right behind me. Bawling now, I turned around to see a note. Just a note. I opened it up and read it.
“Boo.”
5 comments:
Very nice writing so far, I like the plot; the terse sentence structure is very good at establishing the scene, but to really get into it, the sentences and thoughts of the narrators should slowly seem more paniced and more paranoid. Also, stronger word choice at the begining can also reveal a panic seeping in; just have the words become less complex the more paniced the person gets. Overall, i thought it was great.
Thank you. So. Here's the deal. The earlier version was much longer and had more of a set-up with the paranoia, but...
EVERYTHING STARTED WITH "I did this" and "I did that". There really wasn't a way of saving it all without changing the story altogether.
Thanks, Nick.
Well instead of "I did this"/ "I did that" try using a combination of more active voice and present tense, like describing his small time job at the coffee shop. "The small coffee shop employed me with low wages, but i cared not; I could pay the rent and feed myself. As for a question of the future, my plans were indefinite, tentative."
I like it for the most part.
But the 'A cloud formed' after the person breathed made me laugh.
Unless their an orge no clouds would be forming.
My second thing was the person crying.
I thought they began crying way too fast and when they did cry it was just "Cry. Boo."
There should've been more focus on that because if your crying from panic then you're severly freaked out. Probably past thinking rationally.
Other than that I really liked it.
Love it! Great job. You're really excited about this movie, aren't you? Well, you have somethig to look forward to. Kepp it up!
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